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An Excerpt ~ ‘Beard Trimming Scissors are Nitroglycerin’
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You know what else is weird?
The term ‘Duvet Cover.’
I only discovered about ‘Duvet’s’ when I got myself into a extended term mutually advantageous semi-monagamous partnership that was both emotionally and sexually satisfying to me and the woman that was my life partner.
A couple of life partners ago.
None of my genius buddies have a clue as to what a ‘duvet’ is.
I Really like women.
If I didn’t I would never commit so considerably time attempting to comprehend them and to so selflessly support them to recognize that the quest for ‘hot freaky’ can bring them and their man rewards and pleasures that they’ve never deemed.
Sharing ‘hot freaky’ can bring a man and a lady closer together than they’d ever thought.
Girls are the most lovely issues on earth.
They are soft and they smell great as well.
Personally I’m usually amazed at how very good that their hair smells.
They also have unique capabilities and they can create a spectacularly colour coordinated residence that really feels like it is full of warmth and adore and lots of throw pillows and organize it and run it as a dictatorship with a military like precision.
You can’t even organize the garage.
girls are every thing that you are not.
And you could never be no matter how challenging you attempted.
That is a single of the motives that you enjoy them and you happen to be willing to risk the explosive and painful soul crushing ramifications of relating to them in an intimate way.
Because they are in the end your companion in the quest for ‘hot freaky’ that has consumed most of your thoughts for your complete life, each sleeping and awake.
Why they put up with your shit is one more story completely.
She may possibly never be your ‘buddy’ but you have nevertheless got a handful of of these left that she doesn’t know about.
You can not do it with out them man.
Not your buddies… they will never get you anywhere close to the promised land.
At very best they’re a person that you go to to drink beers with soon after your progress towards your lifelong goal of entering the gates of ‘Shangri-freaky-la’ has been derailed by some stupid shit point you’ve stated to your lady at the worst possible time.
Simply because you have got a massive habit of performing that.
Females are totally important in the quest that will be the journey to the promised land.
Unless you like hairy guy ass.
And that is entirely your get in touch with.
You know I adore you and I’d assistance you even if that was your decision.
Or your genetics.
But after knowing you for as lengthy as I have you’re quite a lot hetero.
you think possibly becoming gay would be easier than actualy getting to think about all of this shit… especially following one particular of your legendary and spectacular blowups resulting from your gahdawful ability to say the most stupid shit you possibly can to a lady at the most crucial time…
But you just can not decide all of the sudden that you are gay.
Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom dictates.
And just because you’ve come to adore and admire duvet covers does not mean you are gay.
Ask your therapist subsequent time.
The attractive 1 that you sit there and tell all about your obsession with ‘hot freaky’ and you secretly wonder if 1 day she’ll just crack, give in and take you up on your repeated subtle provides.
You would have in no way discovered duvet covers if a woman didn’t bring them into your life.
Until she showed you, you had no idea that you could really get a cover to shove your old dirty ink stained comforter in to and that it would appear like it really is brand new.
I just never realize whay individuals get in touch with them ‘duvet covers.’
I mean… a ‘duvet’ is a cover for your ugly ass comforter appropriate?
So what’s a ‘duvet cover?’
Either it is a redundant term…
or it is a cover for a cover.
Maybe I’m missing anything right here.
That’s some brilliance proper there… duvets… a product that had to be invented by a man… just simply because it hides your dirty nasty old thing and tends to make it look new… but better than the most skillful application of duct tape ever could… at the identical time offered a french name and embraced by women as their own due to the fact they go for things with french names… and forgotten about by guys simply because it was given that very same french name.
‘My girl’s coming more than tonight and my comforter appears like crap… I want a duvet cover swift.’
If you only had a clue as to where you could acquire one particular.
I gotta admit that at very first I thought when Snuggle Bums said that she necessary to go and choose up a ‘duvet’ that it was some sort of mysterious feminine hygene item that I had no business being aware of something about.
I began to get a little nervous and wonder why in the world she would possibly be telling me this.
I remember fearing that her subsequent move was going to be asking me to go to the retailer and choose 1 up for her.
It sounded suspiciously ‘french.’
So I was relieved when I found out what it truly was.
Girls think of some pretty cool stuff often.
Since they’re not considering of ‘hot freaky’ all of the time.
One particular of these days I am gonna come up with a list of the best ten inventions by ladies that would make single guy’s lives much more worth living.
But because I’m a guy I’m gonna put it off till a woman who loves me asks me over and over once again to do it.
And when she gives me an ultimatum I will make it a purpose.
Then I am gonna write that list on duct tape that I’ve fashioned into a piece of paper due to the fact I can’t discover the paper… but I knew that the duct tape was right in the garage where I left it last time I decided to try and repair some thing a couple of years ago.
Bedskirts would be on that list if I ever wrote it.
Proper on leading.
Has any single guy ever gone out and purchased a bedskirt?
What an remarkable invention those are!
It really is like a device that conceals all of the shit that you either throw under your bed or that just ends up there.
Like all of these socks you’ve been missing forever.
The kind of shit you normally only find right after your lease expires.
Like that stuff under your dresser when you move it.
Ladies just do that type of thing when they’re bored.
Hunting below furniture.
It need to be the female equivalent of fishing.
‘I consider I will pull some furniture out of its location and see what’s underneath it today’ they have to think ‘I never have something else to do… and the paint shop is closed on Sundays.’
That is how girls get their super powers of realizing exactly where everything is.
That and the fact that they really place it away.
But it is not just simply because men are slobs… even even though we certainly are… it’s effortless for females to put stuff away due to the fact they’re the ones who know where to place it.
Because they unilaterally determine exactly where stuff ought to go in the female dominated houshold.
Which is any household where a woman lives.
Even if a guy’s place some thing away you know he’s not outta the water.
He’s gotta place it in ‘the right place’ too.
You know she’s just attempting to provoke you when she says ‘Honey… did you put the adjustable wrench in the china cabinet?’
You keep in mind the very first time you took your chick to your crib?
You believed she was checkin’ out your CD collection and admiring your great taste in little identified independently created music?
Even though you had been workin’ out the details of your meticulously choreographed plan to show her your duvet cover…
She was really seeking at all of your prized individual possessions and hoping that 1 day the two of you would have a fairy tale wedding and a garage large sufficient for all of that shit to match into.
Guys just hide shit.
Specially from ladies.
It is in our genetic programming.
It’s so that we can cope with females.
The dilemma is that we hide it and we neglect exactly where we hid it and then we need to have to ask our girl… who then tells us that we’d know where it was if we really place it away in the proper spot.
The spot she determined that it should go.
With out telling us.
Or a lot more likely with us not remembering that she told us.
Of course… if she said to us ‘honey… I want to speak to you about your want for ‘hot freaky’ and those issues that you have been asking me to attempt undertaking… I know that ‘hot freaky’ is some thing that you feel about a lot and I want to be supportive towards you that way… and I would… I mean much more… if you place your beard scissors away in the basket that I’ve bought for all of your male grooming items that I’ve found the excellent spot for in the bathroom… and because I cannot relate to chopping that a lot hair off of my face every single day I wish you’d also be confident to clean every single last whisker off of the vanity following you happen to be carried out shaving… she may well see you commence to fade when you ask your self what a ‘vanity’ is since you shave at the sink… but she could snap you proper back if she turns to ‘hot freaky’ and says… ‘you know if you did that for me child I might be more inclined to truly believe about performing that twisted shit you happen to be often trying to get me to do under the duvet cover.’
When I look back on the conversation I don’t forget it something like this…
‘Hot freaky’… put beard trimming scissors away… ‘hot freaky’… cleaning up whiskers off sink will bring me closer to the promised land of ‘hot freaky’… women want to want ‘hot freaky’ as a lot as guys… just clean up right after your self and you are by default one step closer to ‘hot freaky.’
Beard trimming scissors are a funny point.
They are a ‘relationship flashpoint.’
Beard trimming scissors are ‘nitroglycerin.’
That’s because she will never ever use them.
She plucks her faint virtually invisible whiskers off of her face with tweezers.
And she usually puts them back in the initial help kit so you never ever even know they had been gone.
Because she does not want you to know that she has whiskers to pluck anyway.
And in the female mind the subsequent logical thing to do after seeing the tweezers left out would be to ask ‘what were you carrying out with the tweezers.’
She doesn’t want you to ask her that.
That’s why she puts them away.
SHE knows how to hide shit from you buddy.
Your male brain desires to leave the beard scissors proper subsequent to the faucet on the issue that she calls a ‘vanity.’
Because that’s where you’ll use them next.
And you hate seeking for shit.
Practically as a lot as asking her where it is.
Never ever ask your woman exactly where your beard trimming scissors are.
Ask her where she got that wonderful best… or exactly where she picked up these jeans that looked like their creation was inspired by her ass and her ass alone… or these extraordinary footwear.
Just never ever ask her exactly where your beard trimming scissors are.
You can get away scott cost-free asking where a lot of other stuff is if you do it correct and strategy it with a lot of thought and outstanding foresight…
specifically if you use romance or your consideration of her in your quest to locate your lost treasure…
‘Honey Child Sugar Sparkles… I was pondering that 1 day I would like to take you on a romantic camping trip and you know… I realized that I have no notion where I put the camping stove.’
But in no way ask her exactly where your beard trimming scissors are since you had been supposed to put them away you slob.
It is like telling her ‘Honey… you’re constantly cleaning up right after me… I just do not know how I could live without having you.’
You’d be about to get whatchoo deserve smart guy.
If you have some deep want to set the lobe off and be the beneficiary of a brutal smackdown… then you can ask exactly where your beard trimming scissors are.
They are the a single thing that you’re often leaving out that she knows she will never ever be guilty of employing.
If you have got children… particularly daughters… this is where they can truly mess items up for you.
I enjoy my daughters more than something in the globe.
And I will be the very first to admit that they’ve taught me so significantly about girls.
When they’re providing their pink glittery plastic pony its daily bubble bath in the sink they will positive as day spot those scissors.
And then they’ll decide that pony needs a haircut.
Because pony just realized that pony’s boyfriend doesn’t take anything in life seriously he in no way puts shit away and pony’s decided to dump that asshole because life would be so considerably greater without him and pony needs a new haircut to symbolize this turning point in pony’s life.
Knowing that cutting the hair of anything benefits in a long lecture by mom…
Princess’ll take your beautiful stainless steel beard trimming scissors to a more secret place to give pony a radical new hairstyle.
Meanwhile, you are safely at work without a clue as to the fact that the fuse has been lit.
You have gotta deal with this situation rather delicately.
It really is pretty significantly ‘two against one now.’
And that 4 occasions as a lot feminine energy as you have ever confirmed you can deal with.
The only thing you’ve ever established is that certainly a man can reside for a week consuming practically nothing but american cheese slices.
You need to get Princess Pony Hairstyles back on your side.
If your beard trimming scissors are not where you left them or in the basket in the bathroom closet your lady bought to organize your male grooming items…
you know the kid’s got them somewhere else.
And when you ask the kid she’s gonna visualize cutting ‘My Small Ponies’ hair and know that if she tells you where your beard trimming scissors are is like admitting that she’s been cutting said pony’s hair.
Even though she may only be five or six she’s currently so significantly smarter than that.
Bear in mind…
You happen to be still dealing with a woman… just a smaller sized version… who’s just like a typical woman except she’ll probably never ever fantacize about dousing you with gasoline whilst you sleep and burning you alive.
Since she’s your ‘Little Glitter Princess.’
And princess’ never do that.
Chicks who watch the Lifetime Network do.
But you gotta get these beard trimming scissors back.
You cannot just say ‘Princess… listen… my beard trimming scissors aren’t on the sink… and they are not in the basket that mommy purchased so lovingly for me to oraganize all of my male grooming items in… and that normally means that you have them… because you have been cutting ponys hair with them… and if you do not fork them over… I’ll be forced to ask your mom exactly where they are… and then she’ll blow her freakin’ lobe and I ain’t not only not gonna get a tiny of the ‘hot freaky’… the pursuit of which led to the birth of my Beautiful Small Princess… but there’s a likelihood that not finding these beard trimming scissors may possibly outcome in my life becoming a living hell for two weeks or so and we don’t want daddy to reside a life of misery and hell for two weeks now do we Sweet Glitter Pony Princess?’
Besides she currently knows that the ‘sink’ is that factor in the kitchen or the laundry area.
And that is not where she stole your beard trimming scissors from anyway.
She’s already studying you dad.
Probing you with her superior feminine thoughts…
identifying the weakness’ and the vulnerabilities of guys.
She appears to you to leave your beard trimming scissors on the vanity so she can keep in mind her deep nearly instinctive need to have to reduce stuff with them.
Like pony’s hair.
Or construction paper.
To make you stunning and touching greeting cards with.
You are not thinkin’ here man.
Simply because you’re quite very good at doing that.
Always ask oneself… everytime you happen to be seeking at a woman… even a mini version… ask your self what it is that they ‘want.’
It’s the only issue that matters really.
And consequently to you… the ‘modern sensitive man’ who is truly trying to recognize ‘them’ in order to coexist in peace and love and the quest for ‘freaky hot.’
Simply because in the end they are going to get what they want so you may possibly as nicely just identify it as soon as possible and capitulate you dufus.
And Princess desires one more pony… and some glitter… and some smelly markers.
That have glittery ink.
So she can draw ponies prancing around fairy tale castles overlooked by dominant all being aware of unicorns who symbolize the superiority of womanhood.
Work with her man.
Function with her.
It is the only way.
She can teach you a lot about girls.
Your tiny Princess wants to give daddy what he wants.
But daddy’s gotta don’t forget the genetics at function.
Since even at this point Princess’ small genetic deck is all stacked up against daddy.
You gotta do the proper point Daddy.
‘I’ll inform you what sweet little Princess Glitter Rainbow… I’m going to go up to my space and lay in bed and stare wide eyed at the ceiling and feel of the ramifications of asking mommy where my beard trimming scissors are… and when I do that I just want you to know that if you uncover my beard trimming scissors and return them to me with no letting mommy know that they have been ever out of my possession… I will not only not even ask you exactly where they have been when you found them… I will reward you for helping daddy out by acquiring you that purple plastic pony you’ve been truly wanting… with the long hair… the one that comes with the brush.’
This is exactly where your panicked ass just sold out the whole male race.
Yes… you are going to get your beard trimming scissors back… almost certainly inside 5 minutes… but now you have just reinforced in that girl that understanding where shit is gives her energy and dominion over the whole male species.
Simply because it gets her exactly what she wants.
That purple plastic pony with a hairbrush.
The a single mom would not get her.
Due to the fact you have currently bought her thirty of them and she keeps cutting all of their hair off.
Not to mention your beard scissors will be kidnapped and held for ransom time and time once again dude.
You should at least ‘try’ to uncover shit your self sometimes and not just ‘wonder’ where it might be.
That is why when I am missing anything I always start my search in the garage.
I actually appreciate tooling about in the garage seeking for stuff.
Every box and plastic bin I open is like a time capsule of my life.
Occasionally it brings me to tears… the nostalgia I find in there.
The emotions I get when I recognize… there he is… my ‘Talking Billy Bass!’
I usually loved that talking bass.
What a revolutionary invention.
He looked so true and satisfied when he sang that song.
‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin.
I am so amazed that the battery is even nevertheless very good following all these years.
And from the contents of the box… the newspaper packing and stuff… I can inform that he’s been buiried alive in there for almost seven years!
All my shit’s seemed to migrate to the garage gradually more than time.
I utilised to think a garage was a spot for putting a car away.
But that is only for single guys.
Small did we know that ‘garage’ is french for ‘a spot to dump all of a guys shit.’
‘Un lieu de jeter tout de merde d’un homme est dans le garage.’
You see that dipshit?
I got that appropriate from google translate.
I typed in ‘a place to put all of a man’s shit is the garage.’
Then I hit ‘translate’ and ‘to french.’
The word garage is in there.
Just like we say it.
Only the french say it differently.
Like they say every little thing.
While stomping out a cigarette on the floor.
In a cafe.
Before they demand more sturdy black coffee.
And an additional ‘kwaaaaaaasant.’
In a black and white film.
That you only took your woman to see so you could impress her.
So she’d tell her buddies all about it so you could secure their all crucial vote in the matter.
‘He’s remarkable and sensitive and he loves french cinema!’
Now she knows damn nicely that the only thing ‘french’ you like are french fries.
Back to ‘le garage’ you idiot… if I cannot uncover it in the garage, then and only then will I contemplate even going and asking her if she knows exactly where ‘it’ is… and we both know complete well that she knows exactly exactly where it is… and therefor threat blowing the lobe when she gets all more than my ass about it.
Due to the fact I’ve come to see this as the ‘third oldest lady trap’ that there is.
Asking your woman exactly where something is.
She knows exactly where that camping stove is.
She knew it from the day you left it on the counter in the kitchen hoping that she’d do the loving and supportive factor with some miracle solution she bought from gahd knows exactly where and clean it for you.
She cleaned it for your sorry ‘helpless in all issues domestic’ ass and she put it away in the garage where she has determined that it belongs.
And then she mentally photographed it sitting there on the counter in her otherwise dream kitchen.
Just to shop it in the lobe for use against you one day.
When you say the stupid point that you are destined to say that will set her off.
The cause you couldn’t find it in the garage is because she place it in the bag that it’s supposed to be stored in.
3 years later when you ask her if she knows exactly where it is the day ahead of you are supposed to go on a family members camping trip and incidentally the day after you went out till 3 in the morning with your buddies when she assumed that your understanding and supportive self would be accessible to aid her pack…
You ignorantly asked her ‘baby… have you seen the camping stove?’
Based on her volatility at the moment and her propensity to want to make your life miserable you may well get away with it.
But odds are, because you will be leaving tommorow you are in for it.
Particularly if you add ‘you know the one I left out on the counter for you to clean final time we went camping three years ago?’
You just did it again.
You should visualize that ‘plunger box’ with the large ‘T’ shaped handle that they use to set off dynamite with on cartoons.
You know the 1.
It’s in the garage.
Simply because your dumb guy brain just put both hands on that manage and pushed it down with every little thing you’ve got.
You’ve admitted to her that you have ‘a memory.’
And that’s gonna set her off a million techniques to Sunday you watch.
Due to the fact you been tryin’ to convince her that with all the pot you have smoked in college that she’s correct… you can’t bear in mind shit.’
She’s constantly identified you could don’t forget SOME issues… like the names of automobile parts or esoteric and rare, tiny recognized and utilised ‘species secific’ kinds of fishing gear… but not issues that matter to her…
like anniversaries and stuff…
She’s accepted your ‘memory problems’ at times and coped with it.
It really is gotten you out of fairly a couple of jambs in the previous.
But now the gig is up dude.
If she actually lets the primitive lobe come to dominate her in this moment… and why would not she… and she ‘visualizes’ that camping stove on the counter three years ago… right after recalling her ideal mental photograph of it that is been quietly tucked away in the lobe for all this time just waiting for you to set it off like some type of progressive slot machine in Las Vegas…
That is guaranteed to make her blow unless you took her to the ‘Valley of Love’ within’ the final twenty 4 hours.
And I hope to gahd for your sake that you did.
A recent ‘religious experience’ in the Valley of Love is the only factor that’ll save you right now.
Simply because havin’ the lobe erupt ahead of a extended road trip is the fucking extremely worst time you can set it off Asshole.
You are gonna be sittin’ in a vehicle in tight proximity to her for hours, pointing out historical landmark plaques and their interest and significance even though she says totally practically nothing and fiddles with the climate controls incessantly.
And pissed off females fiddle with the climate manage knobs and buttons in the car like nothing at all I’ve ever seen.
I know because I’ve noticed a lot of pissed off women try to micromanage the climate controls.
Talk about brutal.
Why cannot you just be freakin’ considerate for after in your miserable life?
If not of your girl, then maybe just every single other guy in the world?
Now your partnership junk is gonna be spillin’ all of its black death mojo vibes on innocent guys in towns hundreds or even thousands of miles away.
They didn’t ask for that.
Thanks a lot dickhead.
I’ve discovered some thing about girls that’s as close to a ‘universal truth’ as it comes.
Their ‘volatility’ grows to near epic and catastrophic proportions the closer that you get to departure for any trip for which ‘packing’ is required.
You have gotta be on your very best game proper before going on trip.
Screwing it all up on getaway is disasterous because you will not have work to shield you from the ramifications of being your guy self.
You have got to be on top of your game man.
Go the further mile and help your woman pack to the greatest extent of your capability.
And don’t do that issue where you fuck it up intentionally just to make sure that she never asks you to do it once again.
You genuinely want this to be a good trip don’t you?
Then do not fuck it all up idiot.
You have been warned.
Repeat: You HAVE been WARNED.